dealing with anger issues

hello
i'm writing this friday lunchtime, so far today i've had the juice of 20 oranges :-)
yesterday was a continuation of what has been going on, but it felt more like i've turned a corner. i still feel vulnerable and not particularly balanced, but i'm starting to get back on track with my emotions and my eating.
yesterday i ended up bingeing on a jar of mixed seed butter (supposedly raw). my emotions were still really overwhelming, and now i have tasted cooked/fatty food, i need to go through those three days or so that it takes to really get it out of my system, and so that the cravings can reduce to manageable levels. today should be the first day of that.

i rigged up my makeshift sauna (the heating in my room is a wood burning stove, so i make a sorta tent around it, and then sweat!), in the afternoon, and spent several hours in there, writing and thinking, and nursing my poor swollen fat filled belly. why do i always forget how much this hurts!!! i wrote soooo much. i don't want to fill this blog with what i wrote, heck, its enough to start off a small book (no doubt someone has already written it). so i'll just try and abbreviate.

i first realised that i have issues with anger when i was in my early 20s. i was attending an assertiveness class, and we had to roleplay anger. i literally couldn't do it. had no connection with anger at all... actually i seemed to have little connection with any emotion! the course leader was really helpful, and encouraged me, and then i found it. oh boy did i find it! literally completely swamped, lost the plot, it just burst out of me. scary. but it was there. and i had some awareness now that at some point in my childhood i had pretty much suppressed all anger feelings.

this is not rocket science.
i have had anger issues since i was a little kid. its a no brainer, my dad was a violent alcoholic schizophrenic who beat my mum and brother and for some reason didn't include me. also took very little notice of me (very sexist too). so i grew up feeling like love was about being angry towards someone. i wanted him to hit me!
i tried so hard to be good, and never got his attention. i only got it when i rejected him at 15 and never wanted to see him again. then he was interested. as a kid, i totally suppressed my anger. as a late teen early 20s i had almost no feelings at all. i have not yet resolved my relationship with anger. it usually comes out of the blue and completely inappropriately. i really want to heal this part of me, i want to get back to that little child who should have expressed anger and been heard that she was having to put up with a fucked up situation. i want to love that little girl, and allow her to reconnect with her power and release it.

phew. this is such a deep issue, and the time has come. raw food has released enough in me and i know it is time now.

so... i am aware of a large reservoir of anger that i carry permanently. this is from all the anger that i have not managed to express in my life. and it grows as more situations arise which i don't deal with. it takes energy to keep a lid on. when i don't deal with anger in a helpful way, and suppress it instead, this anger is amplified, festers, and will eventually take more energy to deal with. the volcano often erupts, mostly inappropriately. sometimes i turn it in on myself (self harm, depression). sometimes i turn it on my loved ones (bf, kids), and sometimes onto situations which deserve a justified anger response, but of course with the weight of this reservoir behind it, i way overreact. all of this takes ALOT of energy.

i want to
1. release this reservoir of anger in the most appropriate and least harmful way possible and
2. i want to learn how to deal with new situations in appropriate ways so that i do not add more to the reservoir.

i have a practical plan :-))

1. dealing with the reservoir
involves dealing with one anger at a time. starting with easy ones, and moving on as they feel right. i want to write/express my feelings about a past hurt/situation. i want to decide if i want to contact the person/organisation directly. if yes, then i contact them, expressing my feelings, in the most appropriate way, being clear, conscious and effective, and not harmful. i need to be prepared for consequences, and to proceed from a place of LOVE. if i don't want direct contact, then i will write/express my feelings in another way, and release these, e.g. through a simple ritual, or other way that makes sense. if i need to do more work on these then i will.

2. for new situations
i will be aware in the moment, to catch feelings of anger before they grow. i will articulate these, and ask for help, also i will ask for help from my loved ones, to learn to recognise these signs. if the feelings are appropriate, i will express them clearly, stay conscious, not shut down, and take appropriate action. if the feelings are inappropriate, i will seek to put myself in a safe space as soon as possible, express immediately what is coming up with me, preferably physically as well as writing (e.g. shouting, crying, hitting a pillow), i will try and connect with what feelings came up and why, and devise a plan to release those. if i have caused any hurt i will apologise and make amends. and i will always try to proceed from a place of LOVE.

3. for my energy
i need to keep increasing my energy levels and letting energy flow through me rather than it being blocked. i put alot of energy into keeping my anger blocked, to stop leakage and inappropriate action. activities that i know will increase my energy are
a. raw food (LFRV - low fat raw vegan)
b. meditation
c. exercise
d. sun
e. creative expression
f. heat/saunas
g. massage
h. healing
i. connection with earth/nature
but... i also know that many of these also cause me to be more in touch with my feelings, and anger, and sometimes to bring stuff up that i'm not ready to deal with. cooked food for example, is an easy way to 'stuff' my feelings back down. so this healing process needs to be in tandem with releasing from the anger reservoir.

4. for anger turned inwards onto myself
this is about recognising that my self harm activities (food bingeing, hurting myself physically, depression, low self esteem) are a coping mechanism to sort of deal with this well of anger (not very effective ones!). so the first step to reduce this is to work on reducing the reservoir, and not filling it with new stuff. always be conscious, and ask myself why i am doing what i am doing. to allow love for myself and for others to flow and not be blocked, and to help others so that i am not self obsessed. when i feel low and in danger of self harming activities, to connect with what anger i'm feeling, and to find a way of expressing that. to be gentle with myself and not judgemental when i mess up, to make amends by loving myself (see increasing energy for ideas), and to move on. to really avoid getting stuck, and to keep reaching out to myself and others. writing is very important!

5. for loved ones
to keep the love flowing, and not blocked. to keep reaching out to my loved ones, even when i don't feel able to do so. for hurt that is already there, to write and communicate and find ways to share with them the path that i'm on, and to make amends. to ask for their love and support. to have conscious conversations, and silly times too. to ask them to feedback to me in the moment if they think i am being angry or inappropriate, and if necessary to help me to a safe space so i can express. to share about healing past angers. to express deep and lasting love and show this daily. to help them connect with and understand their own angers.

6. other stuff
to try and model people who express anger in appropriate and effective ways. to do more research on this issue.

phew. well not much about food and ALOT about emotions but that's where i'm at so there!

so next little baby steps for me:
1. identify safe space and let people know (my room, punchbag/pillow).
2. identify first anger out of the reservoir that i want to tackle
3. talk with bf and kids about this plan and see what they think.
4. express my deep love to my loved ones :-))
5. do more research on what is appropriate expression of anger. use in the next situation that arises.
6. carry on with healthful energy increasing activities.
7. be gentle with and love myself :-))

thats all for now folks
cat xxx