days 24/25 - unravelling...

day 24

hello
today i ate: 2 mangoes, 2 smoothies, each of 5 apples, 2 nanas, and a handful of greens. 1400 cals

today started well. energy not too bad, managed to bounce on the trampoline and did a bit of club swinging (sorta juggling). pottered for a bit, then around lunchtime some of us living here had a chat about something we're planning. i thought it was about just that specific thing, which went ok, but then we moved on to another more thorny issue. i wasn't prepared for this. one person wouldn't let the issue drop, even when i begged him to, and said that this was really bad for my energy. so i ended up having to walk out of the conversation. i find this sort of situation very hard to handle at the best of times, but i was really trying to be conscious and say where my energy was at and what i could handle, and he was just ignoring it. so... after walking out, i went and sat and read in the sun in a quiet place for a few hours to try and calm down, and regroup my energy. for some reason this situation has really made me angry and brought alot of my anger to the surface (i know that i have deep anger issues, that i am slowly dealing with). i didn't want to be with people because my anger might bubble over and i didn't want to lash out at anyone for no reason, so isolating myself to calm down seemed to be the way.
my lovely was having a difficult day for his own reasons, and came and found me, wondering why i hadn't been around being supportive for him as i usually am. i told him what had happened. but this led to a rush of uncontrollable anger which just burst out of me. i wasn't hurtful to him, but just shouted and screamed and basically lost the plot for 10 mins or so. he has seen me like this before, something similar happened when i went raw last summer. i couldn't believe how angry i felt inside. i felt like i wanted to kill the other person, wanted to hurt myself, wanted to hit out and hurt anyone around me, wanted to stuff my face with crap food, like i didn't care about anyone i love. my lovely managed to get me into a safe space lying down, and as my feelings and crying subsided somewhat, he just held me and then gave me a massage.
then basically i fell asleep (about 8ish).
needless to say, food got a bit forgotten in the drama

continued tomorrow...

day 25
hello again
its only 2pm, and i'll do an update later today, but i think it would really help me to write, so i'm going to :-)

after falling asleep last night, at some point my lovely came to bed, and woke me up (didn't mean to). i couldn't get back to sleep, and lay there for hours, with all the events of yesterday going round my head. and, surprise surprise, the overwhelming urge to stuff my face with food (to suppress all these really big scary emotions). this is a very common pattern for me, and one i'm really aware of... but when i'm in the moment suffering, well it is just overwhelming.

dawn happened, the birds started singing, and i couldn't cope any longer so i went to the kitchen and ate some home made humus, salad, oatcakes, and lentil bake. surprisingly, i couldn't finish the plate. it just didn't taste good, i was forcing it down. but yes, it did calm me somewhat. then i decided to go for a walk. it was about 5.30 am. i walked into the village, feeling pretty shitty and cross with myself and all the bubbling anger from yesterday. amazingly the local shop was open, and i bought 2 sandwiches (one cheese, one egg), and a bottle of apple juice. i managed to eat the cheese one, but one bite of the egg one was enough, nearly made me vomit, so i threw that one away and tried to wash the taste away with the apple juice. so even cooked food wasn't helping, just tasted like ash.

i walked back home the long way, and sat on a hill for a while just being with the dawn. my gut was starting to hurt with the food. and i could feel saliva and mucus. i walked back home and came to bed and slept.

now i've woken up again (2pm ish). my lovely has tried to be with me, and so has my eldest daughter, but i really can't do people at all. i haven't eaten anything since early this morning, just drinking water and feeling shitty from the cooked food. i'm still angry. i don't want to leave my room because i don't want to see this person who started it all off yesterday. i don't want to talk about anything! i think its positive that i'm writing this, as at least i've got some outlet. i'm hoping i'll go back to sleep soon.

i get my delivery of fruit this evening, and i ordered 3 days worth of oranges for monoing with, so i'm thinking of just staying on water til tomorrow morning, then monoing oranges. i don't know how to get back to talking and being with people. i don't know what to do with my levels of anger. expressing anger is really really scary. i could do myself or someone else a real injury. and from past experience, this type of episode feels like i'm burning pathways in my brain, doesn't feel healthy at all.

so... that's where i'm at. hopefully i'll update later
catx

UPDATE... 10pm

well i slept til after lunch time, and stayed on water til the evening when i felt some hunger and the beginnings of cooked cravings, so i ate 2 small melons, which tasted yummy. i'm hoping there's enough time between them and the cooked food at 5am so that my digestion is ok. not too much pain so far.
sleeping and water and resting were definitely the right things to do. this evening me and my lovely reconnected, he'd had a difficult day falling out with the same person as me yesterday, trying to talk things through and getting nowhere. he's pretty low and vulnerable because of another personal ongoing issue, so we are both in need of some healing and love and a quiet gentle space! just hoping that here can be that, otherwise we'll have to go away for a bit.
re my anger and cooked cravings, they both seem to have subsided somewhat, i want to do some deep work on my anger, writing down who i'm angry with and why, how the anger feels inside of me (like a dragon bursting out! or a volcano... pretty uncontrollable). where i think the roots of it lie. and ways of expressing it so that i don't get swamped like yesterday. ideally that's what i'll do tomorrow...
i also want to write to this person while thoughts are fresh in my head, of ways forward, and how i'm feeling, so that there's some communication.
so i'm feeling a little more positive, though still not left my room! and hoping that this cooked blip is just that. a blip.

hugs
cat xxx